Kylie Minogue: The Definitive Ranking 2024

A YEAR OF PADAM…

I originally began compiling this list just over a year ago…literally a couple weeks before “Padam Padam” was unearthed. When the song came out, we all knew it was something special, but who could’ve imagined what a cosmic shift it would cause in the pop universe. Not to mention, what it would do to re-establish Kylie Minogue as the dominant force in Pop Music she’s long been. Aside from the chart and viral success of the de facto Song of the Summer ’23, and the glorious Tension album that followed, the last year was crazy in Kylieworld. It saw everything from a Las Vegas Residency, to honors from the likes of Billboard and Time, to a Brits Global Icon award, to a literal Grammy. (And did they invent a brand new category basically just to give her/the song an award? In my fantasy, yes.) But everything was on the heels of this amazing pop diamond. I mean, even VP Harris was Padaming ffs. For an artist that’s been a force in the game for 35 years, this was a victory lap. And it was so beautiful to witness. As a near-lifelong fan of Kylie’s, there has never been a more joyful experience than being able to share in her magic, especially with so many just discovering her.

So now, to celebrate “Padam Padam’s” first full trip around the sun, it feels as fitting as ever to update the defintive ranking of every Kylie Minogue song with the Tension era tracks we’ve been gifted…thus far.

x 2024 Dave

THE ORIGINAL BRIEF:

Anyone who knows me for more than thirty seconds knows Kylie Minogue is my girl. I have been a super fan of hers for over twenty years – she guided me through puberty, through high school, through college, through careers, through heaven, and through hell. I know this catalog like the back of my hand, and feel free to call it arrogance, but I am uniquely qualified for an undertaking like this.

So here’s the brief. Through much effort, I ranked every* Kylie Minogue song from greatest to least great. Now, it needs to be made clear that is not in order of my personal favorites. (That doesn’t mean I’m going to shy away from telling you which ones I like though.) The songs are ranked by two simple things:

Kylie-ness – how good the song is in the context of her overall career and the cultivation of her sound
Quality – how good the song is, objectively

Onto the asterisk* – So, of course, the line needed to be drawn as to what qualifies as a “Kylie Minogue song.” Here’s what you should not expect to see ranked:

UNRELEASED MUSIC – If Kylie didn’t say “okay,” neither do I.
LIVE-ONLY TRACKS – This is a ranking of studio recordings only. Yes, even tracks released on live albums are excluded.
ONE-LINERS/BACKING VOCALS – She needs to have a prominent role in the song. If Kylie lent a line or two to a charity track, we can’t call it hers.
KYLIE CHRISTMAS – Ok, a decision had to be made! Despite the album(s) containing plenty of original material, there’s just no way to judge Christmas music alongside the rest of her catalog. This is not shade to the project by any means, but how does one compare “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas” with “Slow” by the same metrics?

And finally! There is one rule that needs to be firmly established – and this just generally how I live my life, to be honest – No Kylie Minogue Slander Allowed. Like the bulk of her fanbase, there need to be bottoms, and there need to be tops. No one is here to talk down on anything. Now, that doesn’t mean we’re not going to read some choices that were made, but it’s all done with love.

If you’re a Lover like I am, please let me know how incredibly wrong I am. I love the debate! If maybe you’re new to Kylie, I hope you discover some awesome songs…she has so many hidden gems. Putting this together was such a labor of love – I am so excited to revisit this at the end of the Tension era and see where everything fits in! (UPDATE: IT WAS HARD!)

Enjoy yourself!