Track Review: Miley Cyrus “We Can’t Stop”

WeCantStop

Now normally, I would write a lengthy review when a song comes out, but Miley Cyrus’ new one, “We Can’t Stop” is so disastrous, I am just going to simplify this whole thing. I would highly recommend giving the track a listen before reading what’s wrong with it, just so you have a point of reference. I bring you:

20 THINGS WRONG WITH “WE CAN’T STOP”

01. The cover art.

Blurry picture, red solo cups, hair everywhere… this is going to be fun.

02. The pitched down vocals.

They don’t work for you, Miley, sorry. As much as you’re trying to rebel, you’re still America’s Sweetheart… we just think you’re a little troubled. You don’t have that believable swag like Rihanna, so the whole A$AP Rocky thing is just kind of embarrassing.

03. “We can kiss who we want, we can screw who we want”

DOWN GIRL, DOWN! No-one’s saying you can’t!

04. “Red cups and sweaty bodies everywhere”

…that sounds disgusting.

05. “Got somebody here, I might get some now”

Ok, we get.

06. “If you’re not ready to go home, can I get a ‘hello no?'”

At this point, you’ve definitely got a “Hell no!” from me.

07. Is it “Dancing with ‘Miley'” or “Dancing with ‘Molly?'”

I’m sure that she’s trying to say “Miley” there, but it really sounds like “Molly.” I would really like to think she wouldn’t be singing about drugs.

08. Actually, are you intoxicated?

The whole Miley/Molly debacle isn’t the only one in the track, though. The whole song is pretty difficult to understand. Is that just how you sing, or are you committing to your character?

09. YOU ARE 20 YEARS OLD

Tsk tsk tsk… Not to mention, most of your fans are still teenagers who should definitely NOT be partying like this. Something like “Party In The USA” is more your style.

10. “This is our house, this is our rules”

A little proper grammar will take you far in life.

11. “Can’t you see it’s we who own the night? Can’t you see it’s we who bout that life?”

I mean, wow…your grammar could not POSSIBLY get any worse than this!

12. “We run things, things don’t run we”

…I stand corrected.

13. “To my homegirls here with the big butts, shaking it like we at a strip club. Remember only God can judge us, forget the haters cause somebody loves ya”

Every now and then a line comes along that is so off the wall, it’s a stroke of genius. This line is not one of them. Is this supposed to be a joke? Cause if it is, it isn’t funny. I happen to think this is supposed to be serious, which is actually even worse. Not to mention, if you firmly believe that only God can judge you, I’d be pretty terrified of Him seeing you acting like STRIPPERS. And Miley?… we’re all judging you right now.

14. Has Miley actually ever been to a party?

I know this is a dumb question (WE’VE SEEN THE PICTURES,) but even Katy Perry did a better job at summing up what an actual party was like than this. To my knowledge, nobody is actually trying to stop anyone from having a good time unless the cops show up. Chill. Pill.

15. This is clearly a weed song… please just sing about weed.

Ok, let’s just tackle the elephant in the room now. “We Can’t Stop” is designed to be a song about weed. It’s too laid back and slow to be about getting drunk, so no one is going to put it on at a party and get wasted. I wish you just sang about getting high and that way it’d make sense. However, I do applaud you for not promoting drug use in your music.

16. “And everybody in line in the bathroom, trying to get a line in the bathroom”

COCAINE, MILEY?! YOU’RE SINGING ABOUT COCAINE?! YOU WON’T SING ABOUT WEED, BUT YOU’LL SING ABOUT COCAINE?!

17. Why the random gang vocals?

Much like the pitched down vocals, the gang vocals don’t suit you either. Not to mention, they are completely arbitrary, and rather startling.

18. Multiple people thought it’d be a good idea to release this to the public.

That’s right. Miley Cyrus is signed to a major label and thus SEVERAL PEOPLE deemed the track appropriate for her audience and the public. PLUS, they thought it was worthy of promoting their artist and her forthcoming album. Well, I would like to strongly disagree.

19. This is going to be a hit.

Nonetheless, this song is still going to be a hit of the summer. It’s like a car wreck that no one can look away from. In the end, she’s laughing all the way to the bank.

20. It will never leave your head.

Damnit, Miley. The song sucks, but it will cement itself in all of our brains until the end of time.

1/10

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